5 reasons why it’s so important to discuss grief

Apr 15, 2017 | Media Interviews & Articles

5-Reasons-to-Discuss-Grief

We were asked by The Evening Standard for our expert advice on how to deal with the death of a loved one and coping with grief.

In this article David James Lees shares his professional experience and advice on the mental, emotional and physical health benefits of opening up and talking about grief.

For many people, grief as an emotional experience still has a stigma attached to it, and so they wrongly believe that it would be better hidden or avoided…”

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This full interview with David James Lees was published here in The Evening Standard, in April 2017.

full interview

Most of us will experience the loss of a loved one during our lifetime. It is a profoundly distressing episode and we are often ill-equipped to authentically deal with because of inexperience.

Through our therapy work, we support adults of all ages who are facing up to the death and loss of a loved one. Here are the reasons why we believe it is so important to discuss grief…

#1 The situation and the painful emotion of grief will not improve by avoidance

The sheer magnitude of grief can seem overwhelming. Often a first instinctive reaction may be to completely avoid facing up to this powerful emotion. Many people hide behind an impenetrable emotional wall for protection and safety.

We often hear phrases such as “I can’t deal with this“, “this is all too much for me“, “I can’t think straight” and “I’m completely numb“. These types of avoidance statements only make matters worse. They create internal confusion and heightened feelings of sadness, loss, emptiness and despair.

It is very important for the griever to begin to talk to someone that they trust and can share their thoughts and emotions with. In the initial stages of the grieving process, the listener must be just that, a good listener! People who are grieving need to talk freely about their loved ones as they begin to process the reality of what has happened.

There should be no timetable for the grieving process. Judgemental statements or clichés such as: “you should be getting over it now“, “time is a great healer” or “it’s time to pull yourself together” are also unhelpful. These well-meaning ‘sticking plaster’ comments only prolong the grieving and heighten the emotional pain.

It is helpful to talk with the griever about the reality of their loss and feelings. First, acknowledge the acute emotional discomfort that the loss is creating in that moment. Then widen the discussion to other family members and how they may be dealing with the situation. Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died and any happy life experiences and memories they have shared.

Any techniques like this, which aim to confront the situation and keep the griever in the present reality of the situation, can be quite distressing in the short-term but very effective in the long-term. The role of the listener is to help the griever deal with the harsh reality but at their own pace.

Remember, you are there as a support and a solid rock that the griever can anchor to when the emotional storm is at its most intense.

#2 Talking about grief stops other negative and destructive emotions from building up

For many people, grief as an emotional experience still has a stigma attached to it, and so they believe that it would be better hidden or avoided.

One of the unforeseen downsides of ‘repressed’ grief are the other negative emotions that it can generate. This includes anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, and a deep sense of emptiness. These emotional by-products create a powerful negative cocktail, which can be even more harmful than the original loss and the authentic emotion of grief.

It is important to understand that grieving is a natural process and it should be encouraged and supported. If you are grieving, talking can prevent a toxic tsunami of emotions from building up that would otherwise drag you deeper into a malaise of mental and emotional confusion.

This is why it is imperative to seek out help from an appropriate family member, friend or professional as soon as possible.

#3 Facing up to your grief can help reaffirm or update your beliefs about life and death

The loss of a loved one can suddenly challenge and sometimes destabilise your deepest core beliefs about yourself, your purpose, and the universe you live in. This applies regardless of whether you’re a religious person, a follower of a spiritual path or a non-believer. For many people, the grieving process prompts them to begin to re-examine their faith or belief system, as they search for meaning, solace and comfort at this most vulnerable time.

Grief can be a lonely place for many people but talking about universal beliefs and philosophies around death and loss will help you understand that what you’re going through affects every other human being.

The grieving process will also allow you to explore and openly discuss, in a balanced and rational way, your current belief system or a new one that attracts you. This search for meaning and resolution can help reconnect and strengthen your bond with an existing faith or philosophy, or it may introduce you to a new way of thinking or believing. All have the potential to serve you well, both during grieving period and through future life challenges.

#4 Discussing your grief can prevent you from seeking solace in harmful lifestyle habits

When someone rejects talking therapy or sharing their grief with family or friends, they can sometimes revert to obtaining comfort from unhealthy external sources. This can include alcohol, medication, drugs, over or under-eating, or by maxing out on their credit cards.These avoidance strategies do not address the original loss and grief and can create many more emotional, physical or practical problems.

These destructive avoidance strategies do not address the original loss and grief and can create many more emotional, physical or practical problems. They may help you side-step or numb the pain of loss temporarily, but the unresolved grief will always be there once the ‘fix’ wears off.

Being able to express and discuss your grief and sadness is much healthier than embarking on these harmful strategies. No matter how difficult, uncomfortable or downright painful your current situation is, talking can help you. It will enable you to authentically confront the reality of the situation and your loss, which will not only benefit you but also your family and loved ones.

#5 The grieving process will allow you to honour the memory of the person you’ve lost

One of the issues we encourage grieving clients to address, at a time that is appropriate to them, is how to best respect the memory of the loved one they have lost. This is not only about remembering past joyful times, but also acknowledging their loved one’s promises, hopes and dreams.

This process will allow you to honour your loved one by fulfilling their wishes to the best of your ability. It can be a very therapeutic and healing exercise that will also help you understand and accept that your loved one would never want you to suffer ongoing emotional pain and distress.

We believe that love extends and transcends beyond death. By acting upon your loved one’s deepest and most heartfelt hopes and desires for you and your life, this both honours them and keeps the unique energy of your relationship alive and meaningful.

By discussing and working with your grief in this way, the authentic bond and legacy of your relationship with your loved one can never die.

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